More Like Myself

more like myself| La La Lovely Blog

“Accept yourself as you are.” “It’s never too late to become the person you always wanted to be.”  “New Year, New You.”

It’s all a bit conflicting.

Do you ever try to reconcile yourself?  

 

Who you were.  Who you’ve become.  Who you thought you’d be.  Try to make all yourselves consistent with one another.  One definition of reconcile means to coexist in harmony; make or show to be compatible.

When I was six, or so, I wanted to be a bus driver.  A school bus driver.  I’d ride my banana seat Schwinn around the yard (because we lived deep in the country on a gravel road) stopping at this tree and that tree to pick up imaginary kids.  With the pull of my pretend lever, I’d open the school bus door, and then move onto my next stop.  My ambitions moved on to cashier, teacher, business lady, actress and back to teacher.  I worked a cash register at a tanning salon, and I worked at a few businesses, but that is as close as I got.

It’s somewhere in our teens where we are half grown up, half girl that we think we know what the future holds.  We plan for it, project it, and ponder it.

And, then, in time, life happens.  Life we never planned for, projected or pondered was even possible lives all over us.

The sparkly girl sits down and the worn woman steps in and out of days, pondering where the sparkly girl went and if she is gone forever.

Are you her? The girl?  The worn woman?

My sister was home at Christmas and I was so happy.  My heart is always lighter when she is around.  I laugh.  I am silly.  I am me.  I realized that I am more of myself when I am with her.  Is it because I’m known?  I’m accepted?  We share history and DNA?  Is it because the girl in me can come out of hiding and co-exist with the grown-up?

I’ve been thinking about these things.

I’m trying to reconcile the two.  The girl me who was light-hearted, felt secure, and thought anything was possible.  The grown girl me who is wounded, insecure, and avoids risk.

To reconcile is to restore friendly relations between.  And, I guess I’d like to restore friendly relations between the girl and the grown up.  I feel a lot more like myself when I don’t exclude any part of myself.  Then or now.

I won’t ever be an actress, and I’m not sad I was never was a school bus driver (although carting around 4 kids in a giant car is debatable), but I also never would have dreamt I’d be a mom to four kids (for awhile I told everyone I was going to become a nun).  I never would have imagined that some foundational things in my life would change and rock my world. But, I never could have imagined the unconditional love that has faithfully carried me through every trial and every single day.  Life has dulled me, but it has brightened me too.  And, as I grow, as a person and in age, I am finding that I’m becoming more like me.

Today my prayers are with those who do not feel like themselves anymore.  Those that are trying to reconcile who they were with who they’ve become.  Those that are not even sure, anymore, who they want to be.  I pray that you will greet yourself (the girl and grown girl you) with much kindness.  That one version of you would not triumph over the other, but both would be treasured, and that with each new day you’d begin to feel more like yourself.  You are God’s beloved, then, now, and every tomorrow.

xo . t

God's Beloved_lalalovelyblog

What are some qualities about yourself as a girl that you admire?  What are some qualities that you have now as a grown-girl that you like about yourself?

When I was a girl I was confident, trusting and loved to have fun.  As a grown girl I am compassionate, contemplative, nurturing.  I wonder which qualities are harder for you to name?  For me it’s much harder to name grown girl qualities.

 

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Responses

  • Dominique
    Commented on January 11th, 2016 at 11:21pm

    I think I am more of who I was as a child, more myself, than I ever was in my teens, twenties and early thirties. I love myself much more and have a better sense of self than I’ve ever had. My role as a daughter of God and my divine potential has given me the eyes to see myself with those same eyes that I had when I was a child. My life is COMPLETELY different from what I ever envisioned it would be but I also could not have imagined the richness and depth that it now has. Of course some days I’m less sparkly than others but I always know that Heavenly Father sees the sparkle in me regardless of how dim I seem to think it is.

  • Trina
    Commented on January 12th, 2016 at 2:35pm

    I think our true selves are a lot like our child selves…before we are told who we are not or who we should be, etc. Coming to know God as a Father and knowing yourself as his daughter definitely changes everything. It has for me. xo . t

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