It’s funny how some things feel like they will never change. Seasons that seem like they will never end.
Winter. Winter. Winter.
Hot summer. Hot summer. Hot summer.
And then, one unexpected day something shifts. Like a shadow. A flower blooms. A leaf falls to the ground, and you wonder when exactly it turned from green to yellow. Suddenly, the scorching summer is but a shadow. Yesterday doesn’t turn into today. Yesterday, just turns . . .
into a memory.
Have you experienced this?
I’m in a shadow shift.
I’ve had little ones at home for almost 13 years. I was expecting one more year with Rocco. It was summer, and then shift. Suddenly, after two days of school, half days turned into whole days. Like an unexpected wind. He was thrilled about it and I was confused at how I just lost two at the same time to full days.
“I want to eat lunch with my friends,” from one. And, “don’t walk me in,” from the other.
The wind, biting.
All four of my kids are in school everyday – ALL day. It’s kind of “wahoo” and kind of “what just happened?” I’d be lying if I didn’t say I often fantasized about this moment. And, yet when I greeted the moment and the milestone it felt all kinds of awkward. Part really good. And, part really sad. Two ends of the spectrum bidding for me to choose a side.
I felt a little seasonless for a few weeks.
My days aren’t exhausting anymore, but after school and evenings are full on and full – time. I’m wearing more hats, driving my older ones to a lot more activities, and finding calendar keeping to be challenging.
Tuesday I think about having another baby. Wednesday I think how nice it is to go the grocery store on my own, without a pack attached to my leg and someone peeing on the cart (yes, this did happen to me). The bidding beckons as I try to stare down the shadow and fix my focus on an era ending.
Endings are just beginnings, I remind myself. You are at a beginning, not an ending. The end of winter is really just the beginning of spring. Is it not?
I’m settling into the shift. Welcoming fall. Realizing summer, forever, is nothing short of stuffy. I smile at the shadow, at yesterday; it’s brought me to today. And, today, the leaves are turning all kinds of golden.