Holding on + Letting Go

letting go quote via la la lovely

I was going to share my chore charts (come back next week, and I will).  I could share about failing and flailing as a mother and mothering on.  I could write about bathrooms or bedrooms.  Designing your home.  Designing your life.  I could work out my words in my journal.  Write.  Wonder. Rant.  Repent.  Record.  But, instead my fingers feel like pecking at punchy keys.  Click click.  My thoughts shared, splattered on a glowing screen instead of tucked away in the turn of a page.  And, as I click, click, peck, punch, I’m really not sure what it is I have to say.  Click, click.  But, what I’m stewing on, what’s simmering away somewhere deep in the pot is something a friend said to me this week.

letting go quote via la la lovely

I was going to share my chore charts (come back next week, and I will). I could share about failing and flailing as a mother and mothering on. I could write about bathrooms or bedrooms. Designing your home. Designing your life. I could work out my words in my journal. Write. Wonder. Rant. Repent. Record. But, instead my fingers feel like pecking at punchy keys. Click click. My thoughts shared, splattered on a glowing screen instead of tucked away in the turn of a page. And, as I click, click, peck, punch, I’m really not sure what it is I have to say. Click, click. But, what I’m stewing on, what’s simmering away somewhere deep in the pot is something a friend said to me this week.

We aren’t shoot the breeze kind of friends.  We walk face first into the heavy winds.  We don’t have a lot of time together so we usually we skip the surface and dive deep.   Neither of us are sweet on small talk, anyways.  And anyways, I asked for an opinion on something I may not have really wanted an opinion on.   My words had wondered to a weighty something heavy, for me.  Maybe I didn’t want an opinion, but a breezy “what do you think?”  With a “you go, girl!”  Instead of a, “whoa, wait, girl!”

She told me what I didn’t want to hear.  Why did I ask?  I knew what I wanted to do.  What I thought was OK to do.  Although, maybe somewhere deep down I didn’t think it was the right thing and so I asked.  I’m still not sure.  And, I still kind of don’t like her answer.  She would say it is just her opinion.  And, that is what I truly wanted….her opinion.  Only her opinion was a mirror that revealed something in me.

Beyond the opinion, and the answer, and the advice she continued on and said that, “I was still holding the rope.  And, she just wished that I would drop it.”  I knew what she meant that day, but today I’m certain it means that….I’m still holding on.  I’m holding onto something that is clearly not holding me.

This morning, I found this quote, by Deepak Chopra, that probably found me:

“In the process of letting go, you will lose many things from the past, but you will find yourself. “

Sometimes it takes more strength to let go, than to hold on; Because we are convinced that it feels heavier to hold nothing, than to carry everything.

I suck at letting go.  If there is anything in life that I really excel at, could maybe win a gold medal at, it would be holding on.  Holding on to what was or how I want it to be.  Always and forever.  Except always and forever, in this life, many times turns into sometimes and for never.

I’ve had a long, few years, in letting go and I’m finding letting goes comes in layers.  That there is a good chance we aren’t just holding onto one giant, gym class, sized rope but that we are clinging to many.  I’ve willingly dropped some ropes, had friends help pry other ropes out from my fingers, and have heard God whisper loud, “I’ll hold on now.  Let go, I hold everything together.”

It’s hard to let go of those ropes that you have a death grip on.  Your fingers cramped and calloused, almost form and conform right into those frays.  If you let go of the rope, you might loose some of you.  Its likely to be painful.  How will you treat the wounds?  Will you have scars that remind you, daily?  What will your hands hold now?  Who will catch or carry the rope?

Yes, you will lose some of you.  But, if that quote is right, then you will also find you.  The you you’ve been too pre-occupied to see.  The you that arrives after you let go.

Your hand will be free to hold onto the hand of God, who with His other hand will hold onto the rope.  He will carry the person it may represent, the past that is no longer present, the dream you dreamed of doing.  He won’t pry one finger away or grab the rope from you, when you least expect it.  He will just kindly keep reaching out and offering His open hand.

The aroma of that conversation, a little sour, a little sweet, is still simmering as I click click, peck and punch at the keys and this letting go life.

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Responses

  • Patty
    Commented on May 23rd, 2015 at 10:03am

    I’ve never posted a comment but this post really spoke to me. To let go is so daunting that many of us just keep treading water instead of just floating on our backs. It’s always a relief, sometimes painful, to float and let the current take us away from the undertow of holding on. You have a great friend and I hope you use her words to either lighten your load or change your grip.

  • Trina
    Commented on May 26th, 2015 at 1:33pm

    Patty- your analogy is such a good one. I’m tucking into my pocket. Sometimes we don’t even realize that strong undertow is there, how strong it is, and how much it dictates our direction. I do have a great friend, and I’m so grateful for her. Thank you for expounding so beautifully. XO . t

  • Dawn
    Commented on May 23rd, 2015 at 7:25pm

    Girl, this is the second or third time this month alone, that your words have jumped right off the page and grabbed me….Your line of thinking is so familiar to me… You are a soul sister… I am reminded of the quote from C.S. Lewis, “Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another: ‘What! You too? I thought I was the only one.”
    Keep writing:)

  • Trina
    Commented on May 26th, 2015 at 1:29pm

    Thank you for sharing this, Dawn. These are the posts that pour out and that I also have the urge to delete…so when I hear it resonates, it’s very encouraging and really the reason I keep blogging. I LOVE that C.S. Lewis quote and am so glad to have a found another soul sister! XO. t

  • heather
    Commented on May 27th, 2015 at 9:45am

    “let go. i hold everything together.”
    tears.
    thank you.

  • dawn
    Commented on May 27th, 2015 at 7:29pm

    dear miss trina … such good words … i am a life learner of letting go … so, so not easy … i think it is somehow connected to humility … being humble enough to allow the ropes to drop … a daily lesson … if not sometimes hourly x

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